April 10th, 2005
I know that I'm afraid of losing control, specifically control over my life, my situation. That's something I felt I didn't have during high school. I don't know about my childhood, how to mourn anything from that, but high school... that's when I felt my family affected me the most, when I was depressed for the first time ever. I can feel a lot of things to mourn from that time. You know, that makes sense to me. High school was the only time when anything could have stopped me. I know that things were wrong during my childhood, but it hardly seems to matter a fraction as much as high school does. So maybe that's the best I can do for now without a psychotherapist. Denial is for hiding from pain... if these memories are the place I can feel pain, then maybe that's where I have to go... not childhood. It takes people years to access their childhood pain through therapy, and then mourn it. I don't know. I may have been in denial about needing my parents to love me for me, but I don't feel that I started hiding myself until high school. I have something to mourn... something that still hurts, I have something. So, that's progress! Maybe if I can mourn this, I can move on. I can stop being afraid to be me. I can feel it, as if no time has passed... feeling like I'm there, but I don't know if it's real. If I could move on then I would be so free... it would be so hard to believe, the power, the courage to do anything. I was so dynamic before I was afraid of everything.
I was just thinking about how I missed my friends in the Tri-Cities, my work friends, and it led me to think about all this. I miss the girl from work. I miss some of the girls from work, really. I remember being so tired of the Tri-Cities, so bored of it, so useless. That's in one chunk. And the other piece of it is how great my job was, how it was more like a family than a job. And I remember how it was somewhere inbetween sometimes. But whenever I can't feel the pain anymore, the pleasure separates. Then I look back and I can see what it was like without all of the not good aspects of the Tri-Cities. It was such a simple place, so easy to live in. Sometimes I think, "What if there was something right there? Would I move back?" and then I laugh. I guess I was bound to leave there. I worked my way up from the music scene there and now I'm here, I mean, as soon as I get to Seattle, I'm in a band. A good band. I think I have everything I want here. The only thing holding me back is my fear and my denial.
Uma Thurman told me I need to let go of what's holding me back. I'm working on it.