April 30th, 2005
I came home wanting to write music, but I've been much too tired. So, I'm listening to music instead. It feels so good after writing it for so long. Sometimes I just want to write my own songs on the side, songs for my own career as a performer. I finished a few last year, but even after that, you still need a band to perform the music. So I think that's always been the catch. But I've been thinking about spending more time with my guitar and doing my best to simulate a band using myself and my computer. It's not that I've given up on the band I'm in. I'm just impatient.
I want to know that everyone in the band is excited about our potential, as well as realistic about what we'll need to survive in the music industry. That means I want to see less goofing off and more focus on the structure of our songs. On the positive side, Joel tells me that he thinks I have a lot of good ideas for what our songs need, so I should be sure to tell them. But it's hard to communicate with people that are just playing the same things over and over, senselessly! I don't like to lead or control people. I want them to stop and think for themselves. Something like, "Does this song really compare to the cd's I have in my car?" But, oh well. Joel says tomorrow we're doing nothing but songwriting. Today we mostly set up his new drum set. It's incredible.
I like so many types of music. I like to perform and write rock music, but I also like writing R&B, and I also like movie score type instrumentals. Working with music only gets better with time. I don't have to do anything sometimes. Time goes by, and the next time I sit down to write music, it's more effortless than before.
I probably don't have much to worry about. After all, I did move up here to have better musical opportunities, I got some already! And I think this is my first chance to really get things together. To really feel like a "grown up". It was going really well until I came back and started living near my dad again. After I was in the army, I felt like I could handle anything. I was sure I'd have every under control as soon as I was free again, a civilian. I did for a while too. But it seems the longer I lived there, the more it sucked the will out of me. I ended up feeling incapable. It's no coincidence because my dad always treats me like I couldn't take care of myself. But when I lived with people who expected me to do whatever I was told, no matter how much it hurt, I became completely capable.