Boredom
Dear Kari,
I hope my recent excitement about my life doesn't sound inauthentic, because it's all true. Tonight, I did a Little Nemo thing and ate peanut butter ice cream before going to bed, and I didn't have dreams at all, but now I'm awake and toasty.
The way I am right now is part of what's difficult to explain. Where I would've been worried before, I just feel calm and bored. The boredom is "killing me" like making my previous state of being obsolete. I feel acutely aware of time, like a child again.
The boredom is incredible. It's something I gained from all the leveling up I did. Learning how to be bored is an advanced skill, and I'm not sure I know how to be bored as much as being bored is the automatic default for being... secure?
If my castle is safe and I know it, there's no more prowling for intruders. There's a whole job my brain had that it has to be fired from. And all the times my brain was so proud to have protected me, I... I have to say, "I'm sorry, but somebody loves me now, and she's putting you out of a job." 🤯
I actually learned how to do magical things to be with her. I became a post-scientific being and felt her next to me in the absence of electronics. I understood her brilliance and her prescience, and she was invisible the way I always thought of her.
Eventually, I was so satisfied to finally understand everything, her demonstrations of love transcendent compared to everything before. And I felt so close to her and so satisfied to have won my battle against myself that I knew I would wait forever for her. Because she was already there with me, and I don't know how to explain it.
I'm so bored, Kari. So bored.
—Michael