December 18th, 2004
I'm not sure what I'm going to type. I'd like to be the kind of person that always has a bold statement to make—a solid case to present, a firm sense of what reality is and what I am going to do in it. But maybe that would be boring.
As I sit here, the world I perceive is one of vast and unpredictable possibilities. Yes, there are many things that are completely predictable, like where I'll be on Monday morning, what I'll be doing... yes, the same things I do every morning, every week, just like the movie "Groundhog's Day". But it's the world outside of that staple pulling, paper shuffling, phone answering, stampede-of-fingers-on-a-keyboard and overhearing women giggling and gossiping place where my life is suddenly like an empty canvas. I once wanted nothing more than to have this freedom and control. Now I spend my time debating with myself: What exactly am I going to do? How do I choose one thing when there are so many options?
Sometimes I feel a sense of despair over where I want to be, and where I am right now. What I am now is what I dreamed of becoming years ago. But that doesn't seem to matter, because once I've reached the top of one mountain, I can then see another, more majestic, more challenging, more rewarding. There is someone standing on the peak of that new, distant mountain. A spectral image of me doing better than I've ever done before, beaming with a greater confidence and a deeper sense of satisfaction... a greater sense of freedom. So I have no choice but to disregard how much being who I am right now used to mean. I have to humble myself so that I can learn and change and do what it takes to evolve into that new shape.
Today I felt that there was nothing I could do that would make a big enough difference in my life. There are so many things that feel like an old, worn out routine that doesn't get me anywhere. I don't want to be stuck here in my room, in this city, or in this state. I want to check my bank account over the phone and hear the robotic woman tell me that I have hundreds of thousands of dollars available. Then I would know that when Monday morning comes, the day would belong to me. I could call my Princess and tell her to pack a suitcase tonight (or a few, since she is a girl after all)-- we're leaving for Honolulu tomorrow morning... I just wanted to know what it would be like to slide my fingers between yours as we walk along Waikiki Beach together, and I thought you could use a break. After that, we could hop from state to state touring open houses and pretend that we're interested in buying, just in case your mind ever wanders in that direction. Plus, we could do slightly naughty things in the houses we like. And maybe I would randomly kidnap you sometime and take you away to be pampered all day long, footrubs, body massages, dinner, dessert, your own private concert and lots of hugs and kisses. I want to drive a different car. I want to laugh out loud at the cost of a traffic ticket. I want to pay off all of my Dad's bills and buy him a new house, knowing that he too would be waking up each day a free man, finally able to really enjoy himself. There are so many things that people deserve that they don't get, and so many things I want. There is too much adventure to be had to be sitting in an office a minute longer. And then I look at my options, and that's why I start to feel so powerless.
But what I have realized is that there is one thing I must uphold for myself, something that comes before any other personal philosophy. I have to believe that every little thing I do matters, and that even a chance at something that seems so distant is still a chance and must not be taken for granted. I don't want to falter anymore, and I don't want to spend another day wondering if trying is worth it.
I feel strange, letting light flow through me instead of darkness. Thinking of her, the way she loved me. It's crazy, realizing that two nights ago at this time I was starting to experience something I've never had, but have always wanted since preschool. If I think about it, there are so many reasons to try, to become greater than what I am. But thinking of her... wow. I better take this good attitude and make things happen with it. Maybe then, when the time comes for my next entry, I'll have good things to say.