Falling Asleep
Dear Kari,
The time is 5:30 AM and I have my "Benevolent Sanctuary" playlist on. Right now the song is "Satori" by Thom Brennan.
I was thinking of sharing with you how it can be difficult for me to fall asleep sometimes (I also did my whole short sleep cycle earlier).
When I try to fall asleep, my brain will teleport me into distressing scenarios that I quickly realize aren't real. I have to shake my head to wake myself up, and this loop can repeat for a long time.
I'm thinking of you, and the way it feels to think of you kind of makes me want to happy cry a little because your love is so pure and beautiful 🥲 and I am so honored that you chose me, at least you tried to.
I daydream of you asking me Autistic questions that I don't really know are actually ever Autistic questions. I'll just be transparent with you.
These are hypothetical questions that rely on my best possible speculation—I am not thinking at all of how these things could ever happen and I don't have a reason to want them to happen at this point. It's so early.
But here are the questions I asked myself to test my feelings for you:
- Would I marry you? (I don't even like the concept of marriage and you can imagine my criticisms of the idea, but would I commit to you in some similar way?)
Yes.
- Would I have a kid with you? (Obviously not something I ever even daydream about because you know my lore on that, but hypothetically would I trust you and want to be a team with you if I had to do that?)
Yes.
And please know that those questions exist in a vacuum here, I am not thinking about them during the day or night.
You just texted me and loved me so much and my heart is so warm. :)
—Michael