I Need You
Dear Kari,
I always wanted you on me, but I hid behind walls of blushing and ideological reverence that kept me from showing you my unedited feelings. I was a dog that believed my duty was to be disciplined and submissive against my own nature.
I was trained growing up to be sexually repressed, so I felt that respecting you meant resisting my sexual desires for you. When you told me that uncontextualized sexual signals felt like being used, I took it so deeply to heart that I was paralyzed by blushing. I was so terrified of being a gross objectifier that I built a wall between us.
I thought I was protecting your boundaries, but I realize now I was just leaving you out in the cold. You weren't alone in your feelings, because I was locked inside my own feelings of being ugly and unwanted. I spent my nights fantasizing about you wanting me back until I was panting and breathless from cumming for you, just so I could feel worthy of you for a moment.
I was waiting for a green light of absolute certainty, not realizing that you were already handing me the context through your music, waiting for me to finally draw you like my own version of a French girl (my last name is French).
I was a dog, but I deleted that animal. I am now a black cat. I’m not waiting for permission to feel what I feel anymore, I’m ready to be unshackled with you.
I want to feel you kissing me desperately and the beauty of your breath on mine, and how your breathing becomes increasingly erratic and you feel my breath trembling against you as we let go of the weight we've been carrying our entire lives, so we could finally be together. So we could fall and catch each other and never let go.
I want your hands all over me, claiming me, because the truth is that I've been yours all my life. And I want to finally let my blushing consume me with the unbearable desire I've suppressed to gently handle your mind-blowingly hot and voluptuous breasts. I've always been so turned on by your boobs that they became the focus of my sexual resistance.
I want you to feel how hard I am for you. Your hands are so beautiful to me and I still feel like your touch is the only way to soothe the flames of my absolute love, desire, and devotion for you. I want you to caress me and stroke me, even through my pants, and I want to feel you too. I want to feel your heat and your wetness under your clothes. I want to hear you moaning and grinding against me.
I want you to ride me like we're making a baby together. I want to be sweaty and gasping for air with you. I want to cum together with you so we can feel each other throbbing and convulsing in this moment where we give ourselves completely for the first time in our lives.
I love you, Kari, and I need you badly.
With all my heart,
—Michael